Oh my! Dear reader!
I have so many unfinished drafts to post…
Let me explain. No. There is too much. Let me sum up:
Holy Toledo batman! What a ride. All good things to those who wait, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
This time last year, I was a miserable, frazzled mess of a chook. I was exhausted from pretending to be happy. From grinning and bearing it. From caring too much.
What a difference a year makes. What a difference a year of learning and self-awareness makes. What a difference a year of brutally honest reflection and self-determination makes.
I have cut people from my life – I tore my sleeve, if you will. Thanked them mentally for the good memories and the bad – and how they helped me grow… and left it at that. People who used to be part of my tribe are dead to me now, and my word, I have never felt better.
People I had fallen out of contact with are back in my life. People I’ve missed and wondered about… So it is all about balance.
I guess part of me really stopped caring what others think. I won’t apologise for the sake of apologising. I’m going to keep on being me and doing whatever I want to do. It’s my journey and adventure after all. Not anybody else’s. If I don’t meet others expectations of me… well, that’s actually not my problem: that was the biggest lesson I learnt. If I can be proud of who I am and what I’ve done, then that’s all that matters.
It’s certainly made life calmer and happier. It means I have time for those I want to have in my life, and share my adventures with. And that my time is valuable.
And then, I found my nerds. I got a job I still can’t believe I have, with incredibly smart, very passionate people and it is all the awesome in the world.
And the adventures I’ve had…
I went to my first Con. And so much cricket. I resurrected my now 20(!) year old body board… I welcomed in the new year under water in Titahi Bay and surfaced laughing with amazing people. I gave a reading at beautiful friends’ wedding (a stunning reading at that)… and then an Elvish toast or two. I’ve finned across Lyall Bay from the bottom of my road to the breakwater at the airport and back a few times now. (#protip: be aware of kitesurfers, kayakers, and other sealife). I can see the dolphins when they’re in the bay from my deck. I can tell certain planes from the sound their engines make. My veggie garden (I have a veggie garden!!!!!) is thriving. I’ve actually made salad from what I’m growing. (If the tomatoes survive the few steps from the bush to the kitchen). I’ve a borrowed bicycle and need to get a helmet and then can start riding to work. I’m looking at learning te reo. I’m crocheting!
I’ve found that the things that I loved during my formative years influenced me more than I thought when I reflect back on things. Language. History. Storytelling. Philanthropy. Philosophy. Remembering to look up instead of down when I’m out and about. And smiling.
And I found the person who was buried under layers of (post)-academic anxiety. Still in all her cheeky, geeky, mischievous, stubborn glory. And it’s been so good to meet her again. It’s been far too long. She is so much more easygoing and less guilt-ridden than she has been in a long time.
This is going to be a good year. I can feel it. I have my tribes and I’m happy in my skin and my place. I’ve found my voice again, and I need to write some more. So I will. There will be all the things to discuss this year. But sometimes I have to pinch myself. Yes this is all real.
What a rush!