When I was young, I caught a fleeting glimpse..

I haven’t meant to leave you hanging for so long, dear reader, but things have been in flux and I wanted to get to a point where I could write and reflect.  The last 6 weeks or so have been a real roller coaster. I won’t say I’ve grown up per se, but there has been reflection, resolution, accountability, and in the words of Hamlet, “The readiness is all“.

In short, I got a new job.

One that I start tomorrow. Not just any old job, a position I was dreaming of holding in about 10 years time. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d be in the position, or given the opportunity, to embark on the journey I’m about to: complete with mentoring, guidance, and support from a group of people who genuinely are looking forward to having me on board. And who I’m so delighted to be working with. It’s odd. I’ve spent so long fighting for recognition of hard work, acknowledgement of experience (although I have many more miles to go), and basically being heard. The glass ceiling is well and truly present in the world, and yet, I appear to have found a crack.

Anyway, I’m still floored that they want me. For meFor who I can become. For the possibilities of where I could take the company. I have allies and people to work with and for. And for the first time in my life, I feel like I’m exactly where I should be. And it’s brilliant. I was seriously beginning to doubt my worth, so for a group of people to have faith in me makes such a difference to perspective, attitude and perception.

So I’ve taken the last 4 weeks to review, and this last week to hit the reset button in all that I do. With this job, everything has had to change. My routine, my expectations, my priorities. I’ve even changed medical centres to be closer to work (fairly significant in this part of the world). I’ve timed the commute to and from my new office in peak traffic. I’m actually commuting for the first time since living in Canberra. Only, I’m driving this time – and against the flow of traffic. (This means morning news, and possibly some podcast-y stuffs for the journey back into the city).

I’ve checked out the Keith Spry pool in Johnsonville and the Tawa pool during the busy periods. Which means I’ve started (attempting) to swim again. As with all things that I’m out of practice for, I’m pretty rubbish, but I will improve. I’ve started freedive training again too. And gone back to yoga. I’ve reacquainted myself with pump classes. I’ve entered the Wellington Half Marathon run (I’m not going to run the whole thing, but it will allow me to not wreck muscles by only walking.)

I understand that I’m going to need things to switch my brain off – and so I’m putting those things into my (new) routine. I have the ability and opportunity to fully balance my life, and by the dogs, I’m going to take it.

I’m also baking again. This sort of defeats the purpose of my trying to cut down on sugar, but it’s enjoyable and I’ve missed it. One of my  first 100-day objectives/promises was to bring in baking once a week. As mad as that sounds, I’m actually looking forward to it. I love being in the kitchen, but cooking for one can be a bit soul destroying. It’s nice to have a captive audience to inflict baking on. (And being a captive audience, it means I need to actually be disciplined and pack lunches. I spent the morning at the markets and the evening in the kitchen to sort my week out).

In my down time activities, I’ve looked at my WIP pile for knitting and have decided to finished all my languishing bits and bobs before starting anything new. I’ve given my wardrobe and shoes a severe tidy, and will probably do another thin again in a few weeks. It has made me feel lighter. I’ve spring autumn cleaned, and, well, it’s all these little things…

It’s made me think about what it means to be grown up. One should never lose curiosity or a sense of adventure. Those seem to be the things you lose first when considered being “a grown up”. No, you shouldn’t never lose those elements of magic – the thirst for knowledge, the quest for the why… but being more grown up should include accountability for actions and intentions. Honesty. Acknowledgement of failures and setbacks, as well as a willingness to analyse and learn from them. Gathering wisdom and insight. Asking for help when necessary. Knowing there is still much to learn, people to meet, and places to go. And keeping own counsel is of utmost importance. You really can trust nobody but yourself.

They’re all fairly clichéd platitudes  – we have heard of them time and again – but there is a reason for that. And until you come to those conclusions and realisations yourself, that’s all they will be: clichéd and empty platitudes. I say this with an element of surprise and not a little bit of rue. I’ve been the overly responsible one since the day I was born, but its really been in the last few months and weeks that I’ve really sat down and been brutally honest with myself in taking account of who I am and what I want to be. Where I’m going and how I want to get there. Who the people are that I want along with me on my journey, and what sort of attitudes and behaviours I can and can’t accept in my life.

I’ve finally come to the conclusion something friends have been telling me for years: my time is precious, and I shouldn’t squander my attention on those who don’t deserve it. I need to stop apologising unnecessarily, and not feel guilty for saying no, and meaning it. It gives more value to those people and causes I do give a damn about, as well as my own worth.

So in the words of Stan Lee – Excelsior! I’m about to start one helluva ride. I don’t know where I’ll end up, but it’s going to be fun finding out.

I will be in touch more often, dear reader. This is one of the things I am determined to do. Write more again. Even if it is only to the howling southerly – I’m picking up all the things I’ve always loved and neglected, and reintroducing them to my life. It’s good to be back in that place again.

It’s only taken 10 years.

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1 Comment

  1. Bravo!! Strike out bravely and reach for your dreams and the stars beyond. Much luck on your new journey.

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