Last year, I was asked a question about a particular situation and how I would act toward it should it arise. I didn’t know it at the time but I was spiraling towards the depths of my dance with the Black Dog. But I answered the question as honestly I thought I could. I was faced with that situation a week or so ago, and much to my surprise, I handled it completely differently to how I had anticipated.
Others involved may tell a different story, but I feel that I have come through to the other side having displayed far more patience and poise than I thought I was capable of. Sure, I may be a bit emotionally battered and bruised still, but I feel remarkably whole. I think there is an element of surprise in that. Surprise, and relief, and gratitude.
The outcome wasn’t as final as I expected it to be either: rather, it was the completion of one chapter and start of the next. My momento mori has really been quite apt. I almost laughed during yoga yesterday when it really hit home. There are no endings or beginnings: they just are. I think my ink needs some colour now: to add to the story and the reason why I got that particular tattoo in the first place.
My yoga has been a lifesaver. As has the swimming I’ve been doing. It’s going to be a long road to get anywhere that I am happy with, but I’m enjoying the practice of both. They have offered me some very good periods of reflection and to see my progress over this past year. And it is astounding. I never thought I could – really – be an internally calm and accepting person. Accepting of me. I accept others with no reservations or expectations, but I’ve never been able to do that of myself. There are a couple of people who I need to really thank for helping me with that, and I am – constantly. It’s actually quite bizarre to be able approach my self with this sort of balance. (Again, a long way to go – but from where I was, I have come leaps and bounds).
Much of this has to do with looking at a situation and saying “What would Future Shelley say?” Well, future Shelley and I have some interesting conversations, to say the least. But one thing we agree on: I’m a pretty okay person.
With all this ridiculous introspection (must be the increased air intake from breathing properly), has come a list of goals for the year. It’s been brewing since January – I wanted to get the half marathon out of the way first, but I wrote it down a few weeks ago – and it all looked very grown up. Exercise, practice, eat well, sleep well, read, knit, game, laugh, save money, travel, be kind to myself. I’m thinking of putting this list on my fridge door, just to keep on reminding my of who and where I want to be in 12 months time.
The reading pile is growing, and I’ve been naughty on the WIP front. I really do need to address that issue. My apartment looks like a dive shop, a library, and a yarn store collided. And you know what, I couldn’t be happier with the mess. Maybe if I get some of those bits and pieces finished, yes, but you know what I mean.
So I will have some lovely photos of FO’s and my beautiful Yogasana mat next time. I just need to get those FO’s blocked and gifted first. In the meantime, I have Neko Case to look forward to tonight, and Depth Nationals in Taupo next week. It is all very exciting.