November is always a busy month. It’s the festival of the Scorpio (and my part of the celebrations were absolutely fantastic), and there are usually other bits and pieces that fall into that end of year category as well. This November, it included the Dive Wellington Beuchat New Zealand Pool Freediving National Championships in Palmerston North, seeing OneRepublic live (and crossing that off my bucketlist), and celebrating 10 years of conference presentations with my second NDF Conference. It has also been a month of lows, and highs.
But we’ll start at the beginning of the month. I went and had morning tea at Sweet Pea with some lovely ladies, and caught up with friends over the course of the week. I don’t like big celebrations, so I usually take the time to see/talk to as many of my friends as possible. I like to take my festival week as time to reflect on what I have accomplished during the year. Where I have been, and what I want to do for the next celestial cycle.
And what a year it was. Travel, adventures, new friends, old friends, music, challenges, hard work, depression, dengue fever, equalization issues, heartache, laughter, and food. Take the Dengue, depression, and equalization issues out of that mix and I’ll do it all over again, thank you.
The Pool Champs were my first real foray back into the water since Gili in July. I was conservative in both my dynamics attempts, and my statics just let me down completely. I was terrified in disappointing myself, but breathing and music, and just letting go helped. I can start edging back now, after the frustration of just feeling like hitting a brick wall with lack of energy and ear pain. Depth is still going to be a challenge. A big challenge. But baby steps. It was a great weekend with some really brilliant people.
Which finished with seeing OneRepublic live. Still so very stoked about this concert. It was wonderful. Ryan Tedder is a brilliant singer and they are all incredible musicians. They have promised us more concerts in the future, and I look forward to each and every one. Another bucketlist experience completed. (Not to mention the Day of the Doctor in 3D at the Embassy. I have no words for that!)
And then, there was NDF. I love this conference. I decided last year it would become my annual conference, and I stick to that. But it was difficult this year, so I need to apologise to all those who were there and do read this blog for being off my game.
Murphy would have it that a low would hit on Friday, and continue through the week. I had a great time seeing catching up with many, many people – and the presentations were all brilliant. I took notes, I presented, and soaked I it all in. But it took quite a bit to just focus on being there that some of the enjoyment was blunted. And people I really should have been catching up with just got a passing hi and bye. So – my apologies for that.
I guess I can chart how far I’ve come since April. I got out of bed. I went. I was present and absorbed information. I didn’t hide and the blankets and cry like I really, really wanted to do. What I would love to be doing now. But I am strong enough to not be hiding, or crying. I am able to identify what is exacerbating the feeling. I just need to accept things and try not to worry about the what ifs.
That is the real rub. I get frustrated with myself for feeling so damn wretched when I have nothing to feel wretched about. I have a good job, a beautiful apartment, great friends, my health, an incredible Other Half who doesn’t realise how extraordinary he is, a wonderful family, and people who care. I have all this, and yet, I still feel numb. It is so difficult to articulate, let alone try to get people to understand this feeling or lack thereof.
In fact, the only way I can really work through it is by writing about it, so I’m afraid you have to listen to me ramble. It is something that has been suggested to me as a mechanism of some sort. Maybe it’ll help somebody else work through an issue bugging them as well. Maybe I should just be writing fiction and the illusive first novel instead. Who knows? I enjoy blogging. I just hope I don’t bore you all too much, eh?
So, here’s to the Festival of the Sagittarius. Us Scorpios have had a damn fine parade, it’s time for those fiery archers to have their turn. I will be waxing lyrical about pretty, pretty yarn next post because I have an overwhelming need to start new projects. But I shouldn’t. And I won’t. I think.