It comes to my attention that I posted blog number #400 whilst musing what to submit to talk about at NDF2013 (I submitted proposals on both, btw).

What a ride it’s been. Knitting, the woes of the thesis, people met and places gone. Here’s to at least another 600 more posts!

So I’m still fighting the black dog. It is utterly exhausting. But the meds appear to be helping, I’m seeing a psychologist and that is making a world of difference. I’m exercising and I’m learning to breathe properly. And I’m getting there: inch by inch. There are some things I just really can’t hack yet, and that’s going to take some time to get back to normal there, but it’s all a work in progress. But then, we’re always works in progress.

The days aren’t seeming too bleak, but there are (and will be) still times when facing the world is physically painful and nothing but grim determination will get you through. I look forward to the day I wake up and that’s no longer the case. I say all this because it frustrates me how many people out there suffer in silence. Men more so than women, but it really is a taboo subject still. Depression is part of who I am. It has been for years. It will never truly leave me, but I can and will master it. And if I can talk openly about working through depression and give somebody else a ray of light or encouragement, then I will continue to do so and champion those who do the same. Wear your achievements like a badge of honour. Of course, do as I say, not as I do at the moment. I can at least acknowledge my mini triumphs to myself, but it is a start. Baby steps and all.

But as for achievements and badges of honour, it is my most favourite-ist of times of the year. Yes, there is the Ashes, but(!) the 100th Tour de France starts tomorrow in Corsica. And that can only mean one thing: The TdF Knit-A-Long (TdFKAL2013). And, let’s face it, I’m bouncing off the walls because of this. It’s my 5th tour, and I’m going to be tackling the maillot à pois rouges again. (My favourite jersey). Last year, I completed an entire(!) pullover during Le Tour, this year, I figured I should finish one I’ve had on the needles for over 2 years now. It’s embarrassing, really. So I’ll be cheering on Cuddles, Gilbert and Teejay for Team BMC. And not helping my insomnia by staying up to all hours of the night and morning listening to Phil and Paul, and sighing over the French countryside (Mont Ventoux! Mont-Saint-Michel!! Alpe-d’Huez!!!) Oh, and there will be cricket on too, but I write off July every year anyway because of this insanity, so that’s fine.

But I’m not going to see the whole tour. You see, I’m going to cross something else off my bucketlist. I’m going to go over here for a week to do some yoga, swim with some turtles, hold my breath underwater, and enjoy the sunshine. Just the thought of swimming with fish and turtles again is calm-inducing (I had a fantastic time in New Caledonia earlier this year with sharks, turtles, pufferfish and snakes – I may be hooked.)

So I’m enjoying the slightly manic “up” while it’s here. I still feel like this is all one giant game of jenga – and it probably is – but I will finish my slab of chocolate, keep abreast of the incredible dives happening in Belgrade at the AIDA Individual Indoor World Champs – 3 world records and dozens of national records have been broken with a finals of the last discipline tomorrow. All just incredible. And then I’m going to knit some more and enjoy my first weekend of relative sanity (I hope) in a very long time.

I’ll see you all with knitting progress and crazy sports talk. Apologies if you are not a fan of either. There will be other stuff here and there too.


1 Comment

  1. im glad you’re seeing some light, i know what a hard journey it is – as you say its not something that you ever get clear of really, its how you manage it that matters. and ultimately, you can only do what makes you feel better, not what everyone else thinks you should do. a weeks holiday sounds perfect! take care (go Cuddles!) xx

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