*warning* rant ahead…
The Black Dog came to visit last week, and hasn’t thought about leaving yet. It’s the worst turn I’ve had in months and my poor Magpie is being really patient with me now. So just allow me to vent and talk about it a little. Sometimes it helps, sometimes, it takes a few more weeks of bleakness before I come out the other side, more or less intact. It’s funny how one can feel fine for months and then all of a sudden, some little, stupid thing can push you over the brink – and every worry – finances, study, health, time affordability, comes rushing to the front. The chapter’s really not helping, because my supervisor is very absent at the moment – being Head of School, he’s got a lot going on at the moment, and believing me to be fine – doesn’t really worry about not making up meetings.
But I’m really not fine with this research, I’m a medievalist up to this point, and the Romantics are a whole different kettle of fish, so yes, I have been struggling – and the creeping lethargy that I really wasn’t paying that much attention to until it was too late hasn’t helped matters much either. Knitting has progressed slowly, purely because I can see the results of my actions (instant gratification there), but in knitting, I feel really guilty about not working or reading my research. I just can’t read at the moment though, I’ll catch myself staring at a paragraph for 45 minutes and then give up in frustration. My huge insecurities showing, I really do just want to get up and walk away around about now. It’s dangerous – this guilt and these insecurities of mine – they make me second guess myself and feel bad about eating, sleeping – even catching the bus – because it means I’m not studying. It’s a bad way to be, and in worrying so much – I really get far less done.
The thing that set me off this time – you’ll laugh at this – the straw the broke the camel’s back was a sink of dirty dishes. I’m so sick of going to uni – staring blankly at books, going home and doing the damned dishes that I just sat in the middle of the kitchen floor, and started to cry. It was, of course, the safer of the two reactions I could have had – the other being smashing glasses in the sink. Yes – talking about variations in mood. The dishes have been quietly done since that outburst – and not by me – which is very sweet and beside the point; but the real moot point here is how to shift the Black Dog from his watch in my house this time around. I don’t know how long this ‘down’ is going to be here – it’s been a quite while that I’ve been ‘up’ and I’m hoping that this is just a brief episode, and that the episodes will get all the more brief as time continues on.
In other news, I went to a fairly quiet SnB in Dickson at the Quality Hotel last night. They’re a little slow on the food progress, but at least it was far more welcoming than The Front has been. Hope this new venue takes off.
And now, I need to try do some more writing. Keep on knitting, everybody!
listening:She Will have her way – various
reading:Michael Gamer – Romanticism and the Gothic – Cambridge: CUP, 2000
knitting:Baudelaire on 2.5mm DPNS in Opal Sockwool and Fetching on 4.5mm DPNS in Lincraft Lima (Olive) – don’t even ask about the second project. I don’t want to talk about this yarn.